Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Four Reasons To Thank God That Mehr Bokhari is Gone

I accept that there are some things blog writers just cannot do. I cannot get my internet provider to give me free hours, I cannot get my friends and family to really love me, I cannot get my kids to respect me, and I cannot ever get people to pay me a lot of money not for doing any work but just for existing, unlike Shahid Masood and Hina Rabbani Khar.

I can however point to you the various ways our lives are so much better off without Mehr Bokhari, so lets begin.

1. The LIVES!!

Now that The Grim Reaper's little friend is out of the picture, certain people get a chance to LIVE! People like Sherry Rehman, Asma Jahangir, you, me, everybody whose only crime was to voice an opinion against the blasphemy law, or  just breathing, can rest easy that they will get to live another day. 

Or, live to be molested another day
      That is, till some mullah decides that he's Sultan Rahi and pumps one bazillion bullets into them.See, even though Meher is gone, society's still crazy.

Mumtaz Qadri, with a snake.



Conversations overheard while NEWSBEAT was on air:

                                           Father: Son, who is the hot chick in Jeetendra's jacket?
                                           Son: What hot chick? And who the fuck is Jeetendra?

Who stole my jacket!!

                                          Daughter: Mom, dont you just love my hairband?
                                          Mom: Honey, aint never gonna the hairband come back 
                                          into fashion, no matter how many times that girl on TV wears it.

Got it from my grandma!

                                          Husband: Honey, do i finally have alzheimer's like you, or is that
                                          girl wearing black all the time?

But this is midnight black!

And this is sunshine black!

And this is ugly black!

And this is......oh shut up or i will claw your eyes out!

3. The SILENCE!!

Since Her Royal Highness Princess Screech-ra is gone from the airwaves, let us tell you a secret. That Russian plane that crashed in Karachi? It did not just explode because of malfunctioning instruments. See, somewhere down below, MQM was target killing a pathan by playing NEWSBEAT on high volume. This caused the plane's radio, 10000 feet above them, to just fail, and then, BOOM!!......look Igor, what lovely fireworks.

"Air control, come in, come in"
" mother fuckers"
Ok, that didn't happen. But it's believable, right?

And while i'm at it, might i suggest a safer way to fly.....

The fleas report a 100% safety rate


Word from Lollywood is that Nargis, Sana, Saima, Shaan, etc etc, all have found work again, now that Lollywood's sole dialogue writer is not writing for Mehr anymore. Take this line e.g. 

"Aap pehlay bhee aag ko thunda karnay kay liay fire engine bhaijtay rahay hain. Syaasi garmi ko thunda karnay kay liay aap kya karrain gay"

Who said it? While it seems like the line was uttered by a scantily clad Nargis trying to seduce a politician-garbed Shafqat Cheema before firing a shit load of bullets into his balls, no, this line was said by Mehr and to Gillani, no less. Way to talk to the Prime Minister. 

Maybe she could fill Anjuman's immortal boots now.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Ten Worst Hosts On Pakistani Television

It is difficult to select ten rotten eggs from a huge varied bunch whose repertoire includes alleged murder, sensationalism, trying to bring down the government, accepting bribes, and just plain stupidity. Tough job, but its high time it was done. Enough bullshit has been forced into our ears in the name of analysis and hosting. In selecting the top ten, I surveyed a lot of my friends and peers.  I was also frankly biased because its my blog, and I can do what I want. If you do not agree with my choices, please leave a comment and let me know why you disagree. There is nothing worse than a rabid fan of Zaid Hamid abusing me, but not stating why he loves Zaid Hamid so (maybe it’s an iron deficiency).
10. Saleem Safi
How do you spell boring? Why, its spelled S-a-l-e-e-m S-a-f-i. Mr. Safi is boring. He is sleep inducing, yawn inspiring, stupor spurring, drowsiness causing. He is the cure for insomnia. If we could somehow bottle Essence de Saleem Safi, Pakistan could export it to the sleepless of the world and be rich. We could kick IMF in the testicles, we could throw America’s aid right back at their huge ugly behinds, we could help UK financially and then David Cameron  would unbiasedly say that INDIA is exporting terror to the world, we could we could we could…………. Sorry, was day dreaming a bit there. He can put one to sleep just by writing about him. Now that’s some talent, eh?
In all fairness I must say that the man is not offensive enough to have made this list. His chaadar loving jehadi demeanor notwithstanding, he isn’t a bad sort.  I am sure he conducts a good show; only, I can’t get past the first five minutes. To stay awake during his opening monologue is the supreme test of endurance. Mr. Safi, there is nothing wrong with your show that a few things can’t fix. First, let me tell you a secret…..human voice has a range, ya know? You don’t have to talk in that monotone, you can give it infliction. Raise it, drop it. Get it? Secondly, your show about the MMA was actually interesting. So enough with the shows about Pak-America-Afghanistan relations ok? You can cover more issues.  Thirdly, we all know you fought in the Afghan Jihad against the Soviets, so why is a man with such a history so god-damn bland? Spice it up a bit, add some emotion to that voice, cover better topics and get off this list Mr. Safi….this isn’t good company.
9. Chef Gulzar Hussain

WTF????????????? I mean, what the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF is wrong with this guy?? Are you surprised I have put a chef here? Have you seen his god awful show? You haven’t? Well, here is the beef. The man claims to be a chef. No problem, all them cooks on TV claim to be chefs and if dreams of nonexistent grandeur make them happy, who are we to protest? But does this guy stop at claiming to be something he is not? NO. He goes one step further and claims to be an entertainer for f**k’s sake.  Which again won’t have offended anyone except that he then proceeds to entertains us by dancing on the show. Yes, dancing. No, not just a slight shuffle, a fully fledged dance with disco lights sometimes. Yes, he does steps. Imitating Rajesh Khanna is his thing. Yes, he does this in almost every single episode. This is how he starts the show folks. Why is that a bad thing? Cos the idiot is on a cooking show, not on Dancing with the Stars.  I get it, one needs a gimmick, it’s a competitive world out there.  But this is not a gimmick, it’s just plain weird and ugly. Also, no offense to fat people anywhere, but he has a belly the size of a barrel and he should not shake that right in front of the camera. And, what is up with the teenage clothes and accessories? Why, in god’s name, Chef , do you wear a fake claw necklace? Because claws and food go really well together? And your toupee has something in common with Sheikh Rashid’s i.e. nobody’s buying that it’s real. Like Saleem Safi, he probably is good at his job, but who can get past all the effing dancing to see the actual cooking?
For serving food that has fake hair swimming in it from all the vigorous shaking that you subject your whale of a body to, Chef, you are at number 9 and you deserve it.
8. Sana Bucha

What Goes on in Sana Bucha’s Mind When She Conducts a Show:-
About to start, viewers must be waiting with baited breath. Must say something intelligent, must look serious.
5-4-3-2-1, im on air now. Cock head to the right, im probably looking very pretty.
Just said Salam to the viewers; that went smooth. Now must introduce topic. First, cock the head to the left.
Introduced the topic. Copied it from Kamran Khan, but who will notice that while I cock my head prettily side to side.
Cock head to the right again. Introduce guests; done.
Now lean forward with hair falling prettily on one shoulder. Not falling far enough, must cock my head further. I can actually feel my shoulder dislocating but who cares, it makes me look pretty. 
What? Oh, stupid guest finished with his answer. Let me shift my head to the other side. There, I probably look very very pretty now.
Just asked the guest a question. Must shift head again to receive the answer, else I will not look attentive. There.
Stupid producer, asking me to pay attention. What else does he think I am doing?
Now I will nod my head and make sure my beautiful Loreal Caramel Brown No.6 dyed hair fall on my face. Push hair back delicately yet artfully. Done.
What? Oh time for a break already? What did the guest say? Oh who cares, I am so pretty, they are not listening in their homes, they are just watching. Cocking head again so that they stay hooked.

What Goes on in Our Minds While Sana Bucha Conducts a Show:-
Oh here comes that show which repeats what every other show says. Must change channel quickly.
Damn, remote cells dead.
Why does this woman always wear white or black? Why is she frowning? She looks constipated.
What did she just say? That intro was so long, I forgot what it was all about.
Why is she moving her head like that? Probably a tic.
She just did it again. Probably a form of polio. Poor thing. May Allah have mercy on her neck.
There she goes again. Can’t be Polio if she can do it this often, probably copying a bob-head doll.
Uff, the woman can’t stop moving her stupid head. Why is she moving her head and not saying anything to the guest?
Why is her hair the color of dry hay?
Oh no, she is back to moving her head. Probably Parkinson’s disease.  God, have mercy on this poor disease inflicted human of yours and forgive me for changing the channel but I don’t have the stamina to watch this or hear this anymore.

7. Nadia Khan & Shaista Wahdi

Both these ladies are very popular, and I am going to get very nasty comments from their worshippers but somebody has to say what im about to say. So, bravely I venture forth and utter this truth:-
40+ women should not act like twelve year olds.
Yeah yeah, I hear you, Shaista is not 40. But she is no spring chicken either, and she definitely is not 15, which is how she acts, and it is NAUSEATING. Do you know what’s worse? A 40 year old acting like she is 12!! Which is what Nadia Khan does, and it causes MIGRAINES. Both these women can put us in the hospital. But bafflingly, as is all in our land of the pure, these two are popular here. I don’t get it, what do people like about them? Do they like it when Shaista pouts with those sausage lips and plays the baby? Watch porn people, older women acting like school children is there, in the reality section, and it serves other purposes as well.  Much more entertaining.
Aside from acting like a child, Nadia Khan can only talk about her child. Frequently she conducts whole shows where she talks only about her children. So much have we heard about them that the only thing that she has not told us is the color of the little darlings’ poop. Is it deep brown, mustard, or just ladoo peela, Nadia? Please tell us, we obviously cannot live without this information overkill you subject us to. And has the Dubai Royal Family sent you another kitten? How cute. Please preserve this exalted kitten’s piss, because this gesture from the Royal Family was important enough for you to dedicate your whole show to, so why not? What’s that? Your son farted? How interesting!! We must have an episode about that too. Here is another idea… why don’t you go ahead and put your daughter’s clips in your hair? That will make you look even younger than 12. You will not have to say anything childish to appear young and na├»ve, you could just point to the tiny bows in your hair and we will get the point. God promise!

6. Amir Liaqut

Amir Liaqut and Shahrukh Khan have a lot in common. Both are men, aren’t they? Both wear the most gawdy kurta shalwars and get away with it. Both have noses big enough to park 747s in. And both are superb actors. Infact, our Doctor Sahib is a better actor than Shahrukh. After all, we never really believed that Shahrukh had autism, but half this nation actually believed that Amir Liaqut is a bonafide religious scholar. What acting, doctor sahib, what stellar acting.

GEO unleashed Amir Liaqut on us 6 years ago, and were we ripe for a man who obviously had no knowledge about theology but could flare his nostrils at just the right moment. His thus projected emotions convinced all the desperate house wives of this nation that they must call him every iftar time and gush about how great he is, while the man smiled modestly and replied lovingly, insuring that every one of those callers was a fan for life. And so he introduced us to the hold of middle class housewives over the ratings business.

Not satisfied by stirring up unnecessary bees’ hornets with asking inflammatory questions of Shia and Sunni clerics, the good doctor sahib turned towards serious television. When a mullah raped a young student, Amir Liaqut ran to the poor kid’s house, asked her about her periods, talked about her rape in great detail to the camera while she fidgeted next to him, and assured her that justice will be done. She was probably wondering who will do justice to this exploiter of her misery. Or maybe she really was very happy to have this celebrity preacher there with her, but I am cynical so I am going with the former.

The good doctor sahib has also conducted a show in a graveyard in the night time. What a brave man he is. That all lost souls and genies ran away at the sight of his approach is besides the point people. He is a brave brave brave man for sitting in a graveyard at night with just twenty people of his crew for company. At one point he even sat in an open grave. Oh how I prayed for that grave to cave in on him. Alas, like all my prayers, that too went unanswered.

He has also sung for us every Ramazan, and he has conducted special prayers in which the light on his face is switched off. This is done for dramatic effect people, not because we should not see that doctor sahib is fake crying.

And now that smile of his (which Shahrukh copied btw), he can be seen in a cooking oil company’s ad. We won’t even need to tune into his new show on ARY anymore. We can see him on every channel. How lucky are we!!

5. Javed Chaudhry

Javed Chaudhry has all the habits of a weasel. He even looks like a weasel. I am going to stop short of saying Javed Chaudhry is a weasel because while a weasel acts rather nauseatingly out of instinct, Javed Chaudhry acts the same way after thinking about it. So all due apologies to weasels everywhere, you guys are not as disgusting as this man. Not even close.

I can never forget or forgive Javed Chaudhry’s glee at the shameful display that was the now infamous Cash-mala Tariq and Firdous Aashiq Awan clash on his show. While the two women tore at each other, Chaudhry’s smile was actually out of his control. You could see on his face that the man was going to repeat the show a mind boggling 6 times the next day, and a few times the day after. And did he do anything to stop the mayhem? Did he call for a break? No he did not and why would he? It was the most viewing his show would ever get. I mean, one can guess what he was thinking. There he was, researching or making up a new incident to start his show with, every god darn single episode. And yet nobody was really tuning in. Then he tried becoming a hero and started really laying in into PPP members. That didn’t work either, it was happening on every other show, nothing new. So why would Mr. Javed Chaudhry stop Firdous Aashiq Awan from saying nasty (but true) things about Kashmala? It got people hooked, and that’s what any host wants. Ratings. Or at least that’s what Mr. Chaudhry wrote in an article the next day. That he felt the need to justify his actions in an article show that perhaps there is hope yet for him. If only he stopped being a weasel and also stopped telling us those stupid incidents he starts the episode with. You don’t sound wise Mr. Chaudhry, so stop telling us stories with significant pauses and meaningful glances. Here is advice that will benefit you in the great beyond….you must be getting a good pay, so buy a bloody conscience, stop enjoying the depravity of human behavior and stop boring us with those god-awful untrue incidents you relate.

4. Jasmine Manzoor

A sample episode of any show with Jasmine Manzoor.

JM: Aaaap nay bijli kay narkh kyon bardhaaaaai?

Guest: jee, daikhain…

JM: Nahin, main pooch rahi hoon, aap nay bijli mehengi kyon kee?

Guest: Main bata raha hoon…

JM: Nahin, nahiiiiin, aap ko nahin pata kay awwwwwaaaaaam kay pass itnay bill dainay kay paisay nahin hain? (Thumping the desk)

Guest: main…

JM: Bataain mujhay. Jawab dain. (Shaking the pen in his face)

Guest: Mujhay bolnay to dain….

JM: Nahiiiiin, hum IMF kay kehnay pay kab tak bijli mehengi kartay rahain gay? (grabbing the edge of the table in anger)

Guest: meri baat sunnain….

JM: Kab tak hum IMF kay ghulam banay rahain gaaaaaay? (Foaming at the mouth)

Guest: Oh ho, meri araz to sunnain, main keh raha tha IMF….

JM: Kya aaaap nay awaaam ki araz sunni jo main aaap ki araz sunooon? (Shreiking so loudly that her mic is picking up only static at this point)

Guest: (giving up by now)--------

JM: Jee nazreen, aap nay daikha kay hum nay bijli kay bardhtay daamon pay awaam ka case in hukmaraanon ki bayrehammmmmm adaalat main paish kiya, magar in kay pass jawab main kehnay ko kuch nahiiiin.

Guest: (giggling nervously now) hee hee…..ammi, aunty pagal hai……hee hee.

I recently saw an episode of her show where she went to a shelter for abandoned women. All the poor inmates had been abandoned there by family members. At the end of the episode, Jasmine was crying. And it was genuine. That was a good episode, immensely watchable TV, and Jasmine was really feeling bad for those women. Why can’t she do more of that instead of the crazy, shouting, completely non-sensical hour of television that is her political show? She wears power suits, gels her hair back, and shouts at her guests, not letting them complete even a single sentence. Lady, focus on the social issues, get out of the studio, and let others speak for Christ’s sake! As it is, you are completely unbearable, extremely insane, and quite the displeasure to watch.

3. Meher Bokhari

All logic and reasoning aside, there is something about Meher Bokhari that just gets my goat. Not just my goat, but my buffalo and my camel too. She is just about the most irritating woman on planet earth. I will try to write down some of the reasons for my finding her offensive, but nothing really fits. The experience of watching her show is so offensive to the senses on so many levels that it’s like sensory bombardment. I just can’t tell which sense is being subjected to pain at what time. All I can determine is an all-consuming agony.

First, there is her intro. Why, Meher Bokhari, do you start your show in such a pretentious manner? Why do you walk into an empty frame, lean on a chair, and deliver one heck of a horrible intro? Does this give you the opportunity to show off your collection of black power suits and long coats? Or is this done so that you can toss those hairs around? And why do you smile self deprecatingly while delivering your opening speech? You think it makes the viewers realize that this pretty lady wearing designer clothes, Italian shoes, Emerald earrings and Cartier watch, and probably getting paid a ton, really feels their pain and is one of them? Yup, lots in common between you and the average Pakistan TV viewer.

Secondly, there is the issue of how you talk. It’s god damn irritating. Why all the pauses and emphasis? Your show isn’t TWILIGHT, you know. Let’s see if I can duplicate it somewhat in print.

Nawaz Sharif ki daur-e-hakumat main……NAB ki FARMARAWAI, SAIF-UR-REHMAN kay pass thee. Jiss nay SYASATDAANON ki to kya, ghair siyasi shakseeyat aur idaaron ki CHEEKHAIN nikalwa deen thee NAZREEN!!

Thirdly, who writes the shit she is spewing forth? Her lines are almost as bad as Pakistani Filmi dialogues.

Sample Meher Bokhari Line:

Waqt….phir badalta hai. NRO aata hai, aur phir PARLIAMENT SAY BAYABROO honay kay baad, SUPREME COURT main DUM tordh daita hai. NRO ki TADFEEN, murda cases ki ZINDAGI ka JAWAAZ banti hai.

Sample Pakistani Filmi Line:

Way apnay sundar dollay wikha kay meri run nu na wargala, way meray ishq daiya dushmana.

At least the Filmi line is funny.

Lastly, Meher Bokhari is the biggest hypocrite on planet earth. She berates the government for accepting the Kerry-Luger Aid in god knows how many episodes, and then off she goes to an American Embassy hosted party and shakes her booty there. Hey Meher, if the Americans are so bad, then why dance at their party man?? Or is fraternizing with them permissible for you, but accepting their aid is not acceptable for the government?

And according to the latest video posted here, she can scream and shout hoarsely at the government for everything, but she is not above sitting with them and frolicking around, everyone having a good laugh to boot. Seems like quite the bunch of friends, don’t it? So, who are you fooling, dear Mehar, when you shout at these people on your show?

2. Zaid Hamid

I don’t know if putting Mr. Zaid Hamid here is fair, since now that he has a murder charge hanging over his head, he is underground and not hosting any show anywhere. Almost makes one wish for another charge on his head so that he never darkens our TV screens again.

Zaid Hamid is a truly ugly character. He is dark inside out. He displays the whole range of repulsive behavior that a human being is capable of. I have so many problems with what he was doing and saying that I don’t even know where to start. Let’s begin with his hate speeches. The man was constantly talking against Hindus. Did he not know that Pakistan has a substantial Hindu population?? If you don’t care about hurting the feelings of all Hindus everywhere, at least show a bit of caring for fellow Pakistanis. Or does their being non-Muslim make them lesser citizens Mr. Hamid?

Then there was the problem of how delusional he was about himself. He referred to himself as ‘hum’. A wonderful Urdu word rhymes with hum, which is how I would have referred to him, but its unprintable here. The only thing royal about him is the magnitude of how much of a pain he is. He also had the audacity to try and pass a new Pakistan Resolution which he wanted to do at the Minar e Pakistan. This attempt to be the new Quaid e Azam had the potential to be the funniest thing ever since the beginning of time. Alas it never happened; he was running for his life by the time this great event was supposed to take place, so we were deprived of one heck of a comedy skit.

Zaid Hamid also did this nation a great disservice by encouraging dreams of complete lunacy, absolutely devoid of common sense or logic. India bothering us? Hey, let’s declare war on them, we can win, take over India, and make it a part of Pakistan.!! God promise, it’s possible!! America bombing us with those pestering drones? Let’s declare war on them too, we can win, just because we are Muslims, damn it. A nation desperate to believe in itself, yet reluctant to look at harsh realities had suddenly found a hero in this misleading man. What Pakistan has always needed was a good dose of honest –to-goodness truth, not further bullshit. But did Zaid Hamid care? No. he cared only for himself.

He was also the king of fairy tales. Those Brothers Grimm had nothing on him dude. He once proved to his viewers, without a doubt, that Israel would attack Pakistan in March 2009. He once accused Hamid Mir of being a MOSSAD cum RAW agent. Fasi Zaka was an employee of American Jews. He also claims to be a defense analyst; where did he qualify for that from, remains a secret.

Last but not Least, there is the matter of the murder charge leveled against him by Maulana Jalalpuri’s family. Well done, Zaid Hamid. That’s what we expected of a man delusional enough to believe himself an important lieutenant of Yousaf Kazzab, the man who claimed to be the new prophet. Oh, you didn’t know about that? Google it people, google it immediately.

1.       Shahid Masood

For sheer stupidity, Dr. Shahid Masood claims our top spot. What an incredibly idiotic dumb jackass this man is!! He is also a cheat, a liar, a master of conspiracy theories, and he has sold out so many times to so many organizations, it isn’t even funny. You know what else isn’t funny??? The amount of money Dr. Shahid Masood made while doing all of the above.

Once upon a time, there was a doctor named Shahid Masood. He decided that he was tired of taking rectal temperatures, and would rather be a politician. So he flew to England and became a member of the PPP. He even met BB many times, and got into her good books. God knows what this poor innocent doctor did to offend the PPP England workers so much, but offend them he did, and they complained to BB. Whatever the charges were, they were serious enough for her to remove him from the party.

The doctor then decided to become an expert on Islam and chose TV as his mode of relating his research to the ignorant masses of Pakistan. Only problem was…..he had no research, no nothing to base a whole show on. No problem, the doctor copied the eminent Turkish Scholar Haroon Yahya’s documentary and presented it all as his own work. He succeeded and gained a faithful following. Never one to give credit where it was due, Dr. Shahid bathed in the plagiarized glory that ‘End of Time’ brought him.

Then he decided that he wanted to become a political analyst. Well, why not?? You see, he was a doctor cum politician cum Islamic scholar so the next logical step was to be a political analyst. And so ‘Views on News’ came into being. Not satisfied with the bundles of money he was making by fooling his adoring public with conspiracy theories galore, Shahid Masood decided to broaden his horizons by accepting more money from GEO and abandoning ARY. From GEO he jumped to the very lucrative position of MD PTV, with a certain percentage of PTV’s earnings as part of his pay deal. Now here is where his story moves from the plain irritating to the downright ugly.

While he was the MD of one of the biggest earning government organizations, Shahid Masood was in love with Zardari. His present obsession with bringing down the Zardari government started only after his removal from PTV. After being humiliated by Iftikhar Fitna on Jawab Deh, he was accepted back by GEO, fools that they are. This tenure was different though, this was all about bringing down the PPP government. In his efforts to establish to the viewer that the days of this government are numbered, his show went on crossing all boundaries of ridiculous, till he finally reached a frightful low in TV history, and conducted a show with astrologers who all predicted doom and gloom for Zardari. Shows with astrologers have been conducted before, but nothing near the levels of idiocy as expressed by this particular one. He even dragged in Bilawal, and damn if all the participating prophets didn’t say that Bilawal had no political future. Nobody really cares about Bilawal, but let’s not bring him down in this manner, he is just a kid.

And now Shahid Masood is back at ARY. His wuss of an explanation for this most recent move can be seen here. A little birdie tells me that ever since Hasb-e-Haal stormed the 11 o’clock spot, he was pestering GEO for another time slot, which was refused. Hence his departure to ARY. Whatever the reason, this crazy man who tells tall tales, probably blames the President House for his butt acne, and is always predicting doom and gloom for the government is, sadly, here to stay. Hopefully his new show will fizzle out, as his ratings have taken quite a hit. We might soon be spared our daily alif laila session that Shahid Masood insists on shoving down our throats.

And there it is. Probably no one agrees with me. If you do, or you don’t, leave a comment and let me know. Ta Ta!!